SHORT STORIES

HOW TO BATHE A DOG

 As Christmas approaches, it’s a good idea to make sure man’s best friend (and woman’s, too!) stays part of the celebrations.  Having a freshly bathed puppy, complete with reindeer antlers and jingle bell collar, is highly recommended.  I thought I’d share my experience with you for future reference.

Before beginning the puppy-bath, put festive Christmas CD’s in the CD changer.  Adjust volume to be heard through closed door, over running water, and above the ensuing racket. So let’s bathe the dog.

Step #1 – gather all necessary items:  over-sized towels that have seen better days, puppy shampoo, cup for rinsing dog, toys to occupy 15 month old granddaughter.

Step #2 – wearing a scrungy tee shirt and old boxer shorts (Christmas ones are recommended, just to add to the festivities), herd dog and baby into bathroom and secure door to prevent escape.

Step #3 – turn on shower.  This will alert dog to danger – dogs ears will plaster themselves against his head, which he will hang dispiritedly. However, this will delight granddaughter, who immediately claps and shouts ‘bath!’

Step #4 – after removing dog’s collar, heist 75 pound dog over edge of tub and tumble in behind him. He stiffens, as he knows what is next.  Worse that that is, you don’t.

Step #5 – position dog in shower. In the time it takes to say wet tee shirt you will both be drenched.

Step #6 – squeeze shampoo on dog while dodging shaving cream and lotion bottles thrown at your feet by baby.  Avoid screaming – it frightens victim, er, um, dog.

Step #7 – upon NOT hearing baby, peek around shower curtain.  Fish tub toy out of toilet and rinse in shower.  Close toilet lid again.

Step #8 – reposition dog, who has slunk to the corner of tub to avoid shower.  Finish scrubbing dog and begin rinse process.

Step #9 – upon hearing baby’s delighted squeals, check to find half a roll of toilet tissue unraveled from the roll and flying all over the room.  Again, avoid screaming.

Step #10 – reach out to stop flying toilet paper and lose grip on dog.  Dog escapes over edge of tub and shakes water and hair all over baby and bathroom.  Toilet paper is now a disintegrated mess, matted to bathroom rugs.

At this point I recommend that you stop counting steps.

Gather up toilet tissue and throw it – if possible – into trash can.  Remember that you are as wet as the dog and dripping water everywhere, including on the baby.  Toilet paper will stick to your hands – and legs and arms – and baby.  Again, avoid screaming – try to focus on the calming strains of Grama Got Run Over by a Reindeer coming from the stereo.

Drag dog back into tub, pulling shower curtain sideways, which soaks the floor.  Close curtain and finish rinsing the dog as more lotion bottles pelt against feet and legs.  Try not to yell at baby.

Baby stops throwing bottles in tub, but is now playing with her father’s electric razor (thankfully not plugged in) and heading back to toilet.  Dive out of tub and save razor, baby and all.  Divert baby with magazine and hop back into tub.  Miraculously, dog is still there, watching with interest.  Good dog.

Turn off shower and grab towel from floor.  Finding that towel is mostly now as wet as the dog, give up drying process and try to blanket him with it, anyway, to avoid the inevitable shake and spray.

Dog avoids towel as baby throws the rest of the towels into the tub.  Dog snarls and pouts and rolls around on the floor between shakes.

Unsuccessfully wipe dog hairs off tub, walls and floor.  And baby.

Peel off wet tee shirt and boxers and wring out your hair.  Take dog collar out of baby’s mouth and tub toy out of dog’s mouth.  Pick up shredded magazine and discard.

Open door and be prepared for a stampede.  Baby and dog escape.

Round up baby and dog and shuffle them into bedroom.  As a distraction, have baby brush dog while you put on dry clothes.

Wash towels.

Wash baby.

Wash rugs.

Put baby down for nap.

Give dog a chew treat.

Have a cup of holiday cheer, spiced apple cinnamon tea, perhaps (this is a family website, after all….)

Oh, and one final word.  Possibly consider entering ‘Puppy Parlor Pet Grooming’ into your speed dial.

Just a thought.